Music Night

Funny, not funny. How some nights are hard. And some pass too fast. Tonight is slow and hard and too long. The pain and fear and thoughts creep in. I shut them down and then get another twinge.

Fuck. Listening to songs that remind me of Dad. Music he loves. Music that reminds me of something. Something that makes me feel when I’m trying to go numb.

Roll on roller coaster, roll on tonight.

My heart is heavy. Here’s to us. Music runs through my head. Welcome home country road.

I want to cry and scream. This is not fair. This isn’t right. This is a fucked hand and I don’t want it!

I want to hear my Dad’s voice. I want to feel his stronger than the universe hugs. I don’t want this to end. It’s not right.

I try to focus on the now. What I have in this moment but all I can think about is that moment that I get that call. “It’s time. Get here quick” The moment when everything that I wish I could have said explodes. When all my hopes of forever are cut to just a few minutes. And it’s not a matter of if, but when. I know this. It might not be today or tomorrow or even next year, but it will come.

I still got a lot of fight still left in me. I try to tell myself. I still believe, maybe, kind of.I’m going to swing from a chandelier.

Like a small boat on the ocean sending big waves into motion. Like how a single word can make a heart open. I may only have one match, but I can make an explosion.