Author: cheshire9rin

Tonight is hard. Harder that I could have imagined. I can’t fix this. I can’t fix you. It’s not fair. It’s not right. You shouldn’t go through through all this to have it possibly ended like this. I’m praying to not get a midnight call because each day means a day of hope.

I held your hand yesterday and you looked at me. You nodded when I talked.You squeezed my hand over and over again. Like you were giving me strength. I said I would see you tomorrow. But you didn’t see me. You are in a coma. Your body is forced to breathe. Praying that you can fight this illness. You did this to give yourself and us time. And it’s so unfair that this may be it. You got no time. You got no life. No tomorrow.

But I try to be positive. You are a fighter. You didn’t go through all this to just quit now. C’mon. Just fight for us. Fight for you.

I see the people in the hospital. Hear bits of their conversations. My bestie is having a baby! Mom is being released today. Where is the cafeteria? And I want to yell in their faces. DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING? I’m trying to keep the strength. I’m trying to not give in. I’m trying to keep the faith and you’re worried about how they’re going to cook your omelette. Can’t you see this! Can’t you see this pain and fear? My world is grinding to a halt while you just move past me.My face is nothing to you. The pleading in my eyes is nothing to you.

I fear this night. I am scared to death of a midnight call. The call that says we’re losing the battle. The call that says now is the time.  NO! FUCK NO! YOU ARE NOT GOING OUT LIKE THIS. THIS IS NOT HOW THIS ENDS. YOU DIDN’T RAISE ME TO QUIT AND YOU’RE NOT QUITTING NOW!

There’s nothing I can do. I am so helpless in this. I have to pray that the medical staff will be lead by God and that you will be held in his love and protection.

Fuck. I’m so torn over this. While everyone’s life keeps going I’m wondering if I’ll get another day.

I went to the chapel today. I even used the holy water. Couldn’t hurt, right? Daddy I need you. Please. Please. Please. Everyone is trying to be strong for everyone else but sitting here, I’m not strong. I’m failing. There’s to much to still do. I still want to travel somewhere and put our feet in the sand…or you can put your shoes in since you don’t go barefoot. And we will relax and eat food we can’t pronounce. And we will just sit and be. Maybe we’ll contemplate the meaning of the universe. But you have to fight.

I’m trying not to mourn your loss when you’re still here with us, but it’s so hard.

You would be completely mortified if you knew how much we were seeing of you. Like tarzan with a loin cloth. Barely bigger than a hand towel. I keep thinking you need a little sun.  LOL. But I don’t care. I get to hold your hand. I get to bend around all the breathing tubes and kiss your forehead. I can tell you to fight. But I keep going back to the last look you gave me and I wonder if that look is it. That I said I would see you tomorrow. You looked at me, nodded and squeezed my hand. But you don’t know. You don’t know that you didn’t see me today.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GOD! This can’t be it. This is our fight song. Keep fighting, Daddy. We need you.  I NEED YOU! Please God. We aren’t ready!

If your wings are broken, borrow mine so you can fly. Two videos tonight. My battle is your battle.

Saw dad today.  He was able to grab my hand and look at me in the eyes. There was so much in those eyes. I’m not sure if it was pleading, or comfort, or pain, Whatever it was hit me to my core. He looked at me and just squeezed my hand. About a hundred times he squeezed.

I tried not to cry but I was teary. As I fought it he squeezed me harder. Like trying to give me comfort when he’s fighting for his life. I saw tears  seep from his eyes. I wanted to wipe away but he has medicine on his eyes.

I stepped away for a moment and he reached back out with his empty hand, He could see and hear us. His breathing became fast when he saw us. Like he was excited. I want to take those sad eyes I saw tonight and see the light that that is my dad. Not his sadness and pain and FEAR.

I am trying to be the fighter and warrior that he has taught me to be, but I’, freaked out and this is hard. So tonight I will cry and tomorrow I cinch them back up.

Funny, not funny. How some nights are hard. And some pass too fast. Tonight is slow and hard and too long. The pain and fear and thoughts creep in. I shut them down and then get another twinge.

Fuck. Listening to songs that remind me of Dad. Music he loves. Music that reminds me of something. Something that makes me feel when I’m trying to go numb.

Roll on roller coaster, roll on tonight.

My heart is heavy. Here’s to us. Music runs through my head. Welcome home country road.

I want to cry and scream. This is not fair. This isn’t right. This is a fucked hand and I don’t want it!

I want to hear my Dad’s voice. I want to feel his stronger than the universe hugs. I don’t want this to end. It’s not right.

I try to focus on the now. What I have in this moment but all I can think about is that moment that I get that call. “It’s time. Get here quick” The moment when everything that I wish I could have said explodes. When all my hopes of forever are cut to just a few minutes. And it’s not a matter of if, but when. I know this. It might not be today or tomorrow or even next year, but it will come.

I still got a lot of fight still left in me. I try to tell myself. I still believe, maybe, kind of.I’m going to swing from a chandelier.

Like a small boat on the ocean sending big waves into motion. Like how a single word can make a heart open. I may only have one match, but I can make an explosion.

I had a long conversation with  my dad tonight. I wrote down what I could, in a hastily found marker from  my kid, on the back of bills I owe.

Life expectancy is only 5% to 5 years. Surgery is a possibility if pre-tests come back ok. When they open him up, they will take lymph nodes in his chest to test right then. If cancerous, they stop. They will check his rib cage. If cancerous, they stop.

If all checks, they remove part or all of one lung, the plueral, the epcaridiam ( lining of the heart) the diaphragm. Forgive my spelling.  Then laser the inside of the ribs in hopes of getting the rest of the caner..  Chemo would then start.

The DR doesn’t want to do the surgery at the hospital that medical covers due to their inexperience in sch a major surgery. So finances come in to it and dad doesn’t want to leave mom without money. He would forego treatment for her.

Hopefully we’ll have pre-testing in  a  week and surgery soon after. I asked if he mentioned our clamming trip. In true dad fashion he said he forgot but he thinks clams could pull it out. Like putting a steak on a black eye. I  said I have tones of clams. I will happily cover him in them

Surgery will hopefully be soon. We don’t have the luxury of tim

Dad doesn’t want revenge or retribution.He wants to make sure mom is cared for in his absence.  HIS ABSENCE! That is hard to hear.

I asked how he’s feeling. Not physically, but emotionally. He said it’s depressing but not so much that he’s going to jump from a bridge. He said he’s sad for what could have been but has to play the hand he was dealt.

After we were off the phone I asked him his blood type, so I could donate to his surgery. In true dad fashion, he said “Red!

From there it said this:

Well what the crap! I’m A+. Are you sure we’re related? We have a blood drive at work soon. I typically don’t do it but I will this time. It might not go to you but it’s for you anyway.

Yea, related. Both too hard headed. Good to donate, never know who it might save. Might be someone you know but didn’t know was in need.

Definitely. And I’m not hard headed! You must be thinking of your other kid. lol

Thinking of both. Runs in the family.

Lol Definitely. Love you more than the moon and stars.

Love you to. Be strong.

I will be as strong as possible. You too! Fight. For everything you have, you fight. For you and for us. And we will gladly carry you when you get tired. I love you more than you will ever know. You have raised me to be a survivor, a fighter and a warrior.Now we do that for you. 

Onward together!

Yes. Onwards and upwards. We are warriors. Time to kick some ass!

Yes. Oc

It’s hard to say if we have days, weeks, months, years…. but at some point you will be gone from this world. So before you die I have things to say, I hope to find the courage to tell you in person.

I am sorry. For so much I am sorry. For being a pain in the ass. For doing drugs. For lying and stealing. For causing you pain. For making you worry. For causing you to think of me in a negative way.

I am sorry that it took years for us to mend our relationship, which I feel like is still not what it could have been, had I made different decisions.

I am sorry that we haven’t traveled to exotic places. Places where we could stick our feet in the sand on a foreign shore. Places where we could see ancient ruins or sample foods we can’t pronounce.

I am sorry that I still owe you money. No, I haven’t forgotten all that you gave me.

I am sorry that I don’t know as much about your life as I would like.

I am sorry that there isn’t enough days, weeks or years in a life to give us both what we wish we could have from it.

I am sorry that you are facing a disease that is unforgiving and uncaring and that doesn’t discriminate between a good heart and an evil one. Surely if it did, you would not have this.

I am sorry that I can’t provide more for you. I am sorry that I feel so weak, dealing with this. I should be stronger but I can’t seem to find the strength right now.

I am sorry that I have not been a better person, a better daughter. I know that you love me; the good, bad and the ugly. But I could have been better.

I will love you through it all. That is the one thing I can guarantee.

And when your time does come, I will hold your hand and I will walk with you as far as I am allowed. I know that last part of the journey is something I cannot walk with you, but I will be with you until then and praying you through the rest.

Today is not your last day. I know that. But that day will come at some point and I hope that you will forgive me of all I have failed in, and love me for all that I am.

Went to bed at 6:30 tonight. Couldn’t keep my eyes open but now I’m awake. So I thought I would write out my current state.

I had a dear friend of mine, Cassie, pass away from cancer many years ago. I helped to care for her until  her passing. I wish I had done more for her. I was a addict, as was she, and our days and nights were consumed by that. I was not with her when she passed because I was “doing my thing”.Something I will always regret, although I’m sure she doesn’t hold any ill will towards me and I have apologized sincerely to her mom, Jacky.

Mom reached out to me recently, asked if I would like some of Cassie’s ashes and a lock of her hair. Had me in tears. At the time, when she passed, it wasn’t my place to ask for something so personal. I carried pictures with me and a sewing machine that not even Cassie had attachment to. Today I received her ashes. Also included was a lock of hair, a Christmas ornament, a couple watches, and some jewels. Cassie loved her jewels!

I took some of the ashes to put in a container, specifically for that purpose. Ken helped me to hold it with the tiny funnel. All the while I am talking and thinking how crazy this is that we find comfort in the remains.

“Cassie. I’m gonna try to not drop you. I got you girl”  “Cassie, if this is your hoo-ha, I’m sorry” “Cassie, get in the fucking thing!” Seriously, she was ever very good at doing what anyone said she should. But I didn’t spill. What did happen was that a dusting of her ashes got on my hand and I wiped my mouth, which is where she got! Yeah. That’s real and that’s a little disturbing but I bet she’s laughing her ass off right now!

My heart is lifted with the love and kindness and support of one of my “other mothers”. I have a few and I am blessed to have you in my life.

Tomorrow Dad has an oncology appointment. We will likely know the cancer stage and treatment plan from this appointment. I’m glad it’s not until about the time I will get off work so if I freak out, I’ll be home.

It’s been a long day and it’s becoming a long night. I need to sleep. I need to work in just a few hours.

Thank you, Jacky, for sharing your Cassie with me. Here’s the video I made when Cassie passed. My favorite picture is the one with Ben and I with her but especially the one with golden swirls around her. That is not edited. It just turned out that way and I truly believe she was being surrounded by angels.

I hear this. With every loss, I hear this. I don’t think this holds a lot of truth, for me.

I would be glad to find him alive. I would be glad to find him fighting. I would be glad to find him cured. But that statement means to me that I am glad to see him die. I can’t do that.

No. I don’t want anyone to suffer from this horrible disease, or any terminal diagnosis. But I can’t get behind “glad he’s no longer in pain”. If we get to that point I will be glad that I walked the journey with him. Probably not very gracefully, but I will have been there every step of the way. I will be glad to have had him in my life for as long as God allowed. I will be glad that he fought. I will be glad that I was blessed with such an amazing man as my father and an amazing grandfather to my boys. I will be glad that he rarely interfered with my choices, even the really shitty ones, but he was here when I asked for his help. I will be glad that he walked with me in my journey.

My counselor says that most parent relationships move. Parents move from caregivers to needing care. I think that notion would have my Dad rolling his eyes. But it is true. There comes a point where you move from child, to friend, and to caregiver. My Dad likely will not allow me to be much of a caregiver, but I will do what I can and do it with pride. But I will not say that I am “glad he’s no longer in pain”.

First, I am holding hope and faith that he will live for all of eternity. But if that isn’t a possibility, I will be glad if he passes peacefully, with friends and family if he so chooses. If he passes in pain or discomfort, I will not be glad. I will be pissed off. I will be sad. I will be angry. What I will be glad about is that he was MY DADDY! I will be glad for having him in my life.

I swear, if one person mentions “glad” and “pain” when mentioning my Dad, I might lose my shit. It’s what you say when you don’t know what else to say. Dig deep. Find SOMETHING else. There’s a lot more to my Dad than his discomfort.So just find something else.

But we’re not there yet. We still have a long road ahead. And, while I know that some day my Dad will be called home to be with God, that day is not today. Until then, we will be Survivors, Fighters and Warriors.  #SurvivorFighterWarrior

Tonight is rough. My heart hurts. I keep picturing my dad. His laugh His smile. His face. I am picturing him no longer in  my life.

I KNOW HE’S SILL HERE! But I keep imagining what it would be like without him in  my life.

I don’t have enough pictures. I don’t have video of him talking so I can remember his voice.

I like to think I’m strong but I’m not so much. Not right now. Facing the the possible death of a parent is something we all go through. But FUCK! THAT’S MY DAD!

I know most people eventually go through it. I’m not ready! Can’t you understand that? GOD! ARE YOU LISTENING? I don’t know when a good time would be. Can’t you just let him fade away gently? Why this? Why can’t he live for fucking ever!

Life isn’t fair.I don’t want this pain. I don’t want it for him . I don’t want it for my mom or family. I can barely see through the tears right now. How will any of us function through this? This is only day 6. Maybe you start getting numb. I hope we all go numb. Dad, us, everyone. I can’t even imagine the fear my dad must have.

Wherever you will go. Your battle is my battle!

I wasn’t going to write today but I’m up and awake.

Our housing issue, landlord selling, may be fixed.  An old friend was a flagger down the street for construction. Long story short, this chance meeting led us to know that his old roommate had suddenly left owing a lot in rent. He needs a roommate. A house, with a  big backyard, and rent cheaper than what we pay now. It’s not a done deal. I’ve got lots of questions, but it is a ray of hope.

Went to my counselor today. She is an amazing lady.  So comforting. She has had cancer twice and has a terminal illness…I haven’t figured out what that is, but she mentioned it. Either way, she gets it.

She said that she had a parent die from cancer. For the surviving parent, it’s important to let them know that you are there for their support. That you are not going anywhere. I need to tell my parents this. That I am here. That I can help. To tell me what they need, because I am uncertain of what that is.

Mom.  You might have to move. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t have a garden. I will help  you with a garden. It might just be a smaller one. We can do this. Not everything is lost. Even if dad passes, we can keep up with the things you love. And until that happens, we will carry on; like we do.

Dad.  I am here to support you. To help ensure that you are cared for and that you continue to live the way you want, for as long as possible. And if the day comes that you can no longer carry on, I will be with you every step of the way. I will ensure that mom is ok. Your family will never be without support because I will be here.

I just have to add a little side note. I have a lot I need to tell my dad. How much I love him. How much I am sorry for. Just everything. On Saturday I was thinking that I need to tell my dad all this and Daimion said something that was very wise. He said “Mom, don’t make THIS his last day”.  He was so right. I have time to say everything. Today is not the last day.

Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Maybe flowers in a  tiny garden.

We received more stressful news today. My kids, man and I have to move. We have no money saved and the landlord is selling our place. We get rent for a steal at 975 for 1250 sq ft. Typical going rate is about 1400 for 850ft, Not sure what we’re doing but we will probably have to move farther away from my parents. My mom says not to move closer to them. “I don’t know how long we’ll be here”.

As we’re talking, she tells me about their garden. Something they take huge pride in. She tells me I better be ready to pickle because she has planted a HUGE amount of cukes. She also said she planted a huge amount of bird egg beans. FYI if you have never had them, which you likely haven’t, get them They are the best most buttery beans.

So she’s planted all these beans and says “Because this might be the last garden”. How can that be? There has always been a garden. Dad isn’t dead. They haven’t moved yet. They don’t know! Yet I know, rationally, that these are all possibilities. This may be the last garden. This may be the last pickle. This may be the last corn, dill, brussle sprouts, tomatoes, so much more….. and my mom’s zinnias.

Interesting how I ended my blog from yesterday is so relevant today.

Cancer. Cancer. Caner. No flowers.