Survivors Guilt?

Ok So obviously that title isn’t guilt over my surviving. It’s a mess of emotions over my Dad surviving.

Yes, I’m happy that he’s opening his eyes and sticking out his tongue and moving his arm. What I mean is that Dad has always been an active guy. What if he’s in a wheelchair? What if he can’t talk? What if he can’t move his body of his own volition? Is he going to be happy? Will he be mad that we fought so hard to keep him here with us? I don’t know.

I’ve been sick the last couple of days. Feeling like I’m swallowing shards of glass. I can’t go see Dad. It sucks. At the same time, it’s a reason to not see what I want to ignore, and I feel badly for that too.

Sign language is beautiful, but would Dad be happy with that as the only way to communicate? Should I start learning now?

Ok. I’ll dial it back a notch. I have to remember that we don’t have MRI results yet. We don’t know the damage. But I’m preparing for the worst case.

I am blessed for every new day that my Dad is here and we get another day to fight. Don’t mistake my words. I just want him to be happy to still be in the fight too.

I have prayed a lot. Before this surgery and since. I remember when Grandpa, Dad’s Dad, was dying. I had still been holding hope. I remember praying one night, laying in my bed in our house in Springfield, and telling God that I was the only one left still holding on. I told God that I was letting go and it was up to God to make the decisions. I spoke to Grandpa in my head and told him it was ok to go. I remember feeling a physical sensation of that line being cut from me. I was told Grandpa died, that night…probably shortly after that prayer, although I don’t know for sure. It’s not something I’ve shared with really anyone.

So I have prayed for Dad. Prayers of all kinds, but one that I have said from day one is “God, if my Dad is going to suffer, if he is going to be in pain, I would rather you take him quickly from us than to have him endure it.” That’s a hard prayer. Who prays for possibly less time? But he’s still here so this is a good thing, right? That God still sees hope too?