Went to bed at 6:30 tonight. Couldn’t keep my eyes open but now I’m awake. So I thought I would write out my current state.
I had a dear friend of mine, Cassie, pass away from cancer many years ago. I helped to care for her until her passing. I wish I had done more for her. I was a addict, as was she, and our days and nights were consumed by that. I was not with her when she passed because I was “doing my thing”.Something I will always regret, although I’m sure she doesn’t hold any ill will towards me and I have apologized sincerely to her mom, Jacky.
Mom reached out to me recently, asked if I would like some of Cassie’s ashes and a lock of her hair. Had me in tears. At the time, when she passed, it wasn’t my place to ask for something so personal. I carried pictures with me and a sewing machine that not even Cassie had attachment to. Today I received her ashes. Also included was a lock of hair, a Christmas ornament, a couple watches, and some jewels. Cassie loved her jewels!
I took some of the ashes to put in a container, specifically for that purpose. Ken helped me to hold it with the tiny funnel. All the while I am talking and thinking how crazy this is that we find comfort in the remains.
“Cassie. I’m gonna try to not drop you. I got you girl” “Cassie, if this is your hoo-ha, I’m sorry” “Cassie, get in the fucking thing!” Seriously, she was ever very good at doing what anyone said she should. But I didn’t spill. What did happen was that a dusting of her ashes got on my hand and I wiped my mouth, which is where she got! Yeah. That’s real and that’s a little disturbing but I bet she’s laughing her ass off right now!
My heart is lifted with the love and kindness and support of one of my “other mothers”. I have a few and I am blessed to have you in my life.
Tomorrow Dad has an oncology appointment. We will likely know the cancer stage and treatment plan from this appointment. I’m glad it’s not until about the time I will get off work so if I freak out, I’ll be home.
It’s been a long day and it’s becoming a long night. I need to sleep. I need to work in just a few hours.
Thank you, Jacky, for sharing your Cassie with me. Here’s the video I made when Cassie passed. My favorite picture is the one with Ben and I with her but especially the one with golden swirls around her. That is not edited. It just turned out that way and I truly believe she was being surrounded by angels.
The Cancer Chronicles 