Before You Die

It’s hard to say if we have days, weeks, months, years…. but at some point you will be gone from this world. So before you die I have things to say, I hope to find the courage to tell you in person.

I am sorry. For so much I am sorry. For being a pain in the ass. For doing drugs. For lying and stealing. For causing you pain. For making you worry. For causing you to think of me in a negative way.

I am sorry that it took years for us to mend our relationship, which I feel like is still not what it could have been, had I made different decisions.

I am sorry that we haven’t traveled to exotic places. Places where we could stick our feet in the sand on a foreign shore. Places where we could see ancient ruins or sample foods we can’t pronounce.

I am sorry that I still owe you money. No, I haven’t forgotten all that you gave me.

I am sorry that I don’t know as much about your life as I would like.

I am sorry that there isn’t enough days, weeks or years in a life to give us both what we wish we could have from it.

I am sorry that you are facing a disease that is unforgiving and uncaring and that doesn’t discriminate between a good heart and an evil one. Surely if it did, you would not have this.

I am sorry that I can’t provide more for you. I am sorry that I feel so weak, dealing with this. I should be stronger but I can’t seem to find the strength right now.

I am sorry that I have not been a better person, a better daughter. I know that you love me; the good, bad and the ugly. But I could have been better.

I will love you through it all. That is the one thing I can guarantee.

And when your time does come, I will hold your hand and I will walk with you as far as I am allowed. I know that last part of the journey is something I cannot walk with you, but I will be with you until then and praying you through the rest.

Today is not your last day. I know that. But that day will come at some point and I hope that you will forgive me of all I have failed in, and love me for all that I am.