I hear this. With every loss, I hear this. I don’t think this holds a lot of truth, for me.
I would be glad to find him alive. I would be glad to find him fighting. I would be glad to find him cured. But that statement means to me that I am glad to see him die. I can’t do that.
No. I don’t want anyone to suffer from this horrible disease, or any terminal diagnosis. But I can’t get behind “glad he’s no longer in pain”. If we get to that point I will be glad that I walked the journey with him. Probably not very gracefully, but I will have been there every step of the way. I will be glad to have had him in my life for as long as God allowed. I will be glad that he fought. I will be glad that I was blessed with such an amazing man as my father and an amazing grandfather to my boys. I will be glad that he rarely interfered with my choices, even the really shitty ones, but he was here when I asked for his help. I will be glad that he walked with me in my journey.
My counselor says that most parent relationships move. Parents move from caregivers to needing care. I think that notion would have my Dad rolling his eyes. But it is true. There comes a point where you move from child, to friend, and to caregiver. My Dad likely will not allow me to be much of a caregiver, but I will do what I can and do it with pride. But I will not say that I am “glad he’s no longer in pain”.
First, I am holding hope and faith that he will live for all of eternity. But if that isn’t a possibility, I will be glad if he passes peacefully, with friends and family if he so chooses. If he passes in pain or discomfort, I will not be glad. I will be pissed off. I will be sad. I will be angry. What I will be glad about is that he was MY DADDY! I will be glad for having him in my life.
I swear, if one person mentions “glad” and “pain” when mentioning my Dad, I might lose my shit. It’s what you say when you don’t know what else to say. Dig deep. Find SOMETHING else. There’s a lot more to my Dad than his discomfort.So just find something else.
But we’re not there yet. We still have a long road ahead. And, while I know that some day my Dad will be called home to be with God, that day is not today. Until then, we will be Survivors, Fighters and Warriors. #SurvivorFighterWarrior
The Cancer Chronicles 